What a weird way to begin. Here we are in Advent, the first season of the church year... but not the season of new beginnings (that's Christmas). Nope, the Church decided not to start with the arrival, the celebration, the gifts and angels and shepherds and shining stars. The church year starts in Advent, the season of anticipation. I find that so intriguing, that we start with the waiting.
I am well versed in waiting. In fact, some days I think it's all I do anymore: waiting for phone calls, emails, letters to be returned, waiting for packages to arrive, waiting to make some friends, waiting for the days to get longer again, waiting for January, waiting for next August... waiting takes so much energy, and it gives nothing back. But waiting is really not my style. I like to jump in, to join up, to be spontaneous and yes, sometimes even impulsive. But doesn't spontaneity require... interaction?
I realize that waiting is not the same as anticipation. Anticipation means that we know what we're waiting for, that we are fairly certain it will arrive at the appointed time, just like last year. Waiting is just... limbo. How do you turn waiting into anticipation? I suppose the theological answer will arrive as the holy infant so tender and mild... but this year, that just doesn't seem to cut it. Why does empty time turn into longing, not satisfaction?
I am afraid of who I will be after two years of this.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
With bated breath
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2 comments:
I can hear what you are saying...and I can hear what you are not saying- between the lines. :( It must be so hard. It gives you good writing material, though. It provides intense emotions....and in a way, is maybe your muse? I think you'll still be a very interesting person in two years. (and probably also a very patient one!) :) Amy
Even though it's a little cliched, I bet after two years you will be a much stronger person for going through this adventure of yours. Waiting for anything is hard, especially when it seems there is no impending reward or you have nothing to look forward to, or it seems so far off. Are you waiting to come back to the U.S.? Waiting to find someone or something to make your time in Germany more worthwhile? Waiting to be in love? You seem like you have a very fulfilling work life and a strong connection to people back home, but a piece is missing. I have often felt that way and not known what it was I was looking for. Sometimes you have what you're looking for to make your life complete and then you lose it. That's hard. But my advice is to figure out what it is you're looking for and face it. You need something to keep you excited about where you are living for the next 2 years. Finding something that will help you look forward to getting up everyday will take some of the edge off of your loneliness. It is so hard to make friends no matter where you are, but I have faith that you will. And you will find that you're not just biding time, but spending it well.
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