go figure

Lately something has given me rough edges. I don’t know if it’s having lived abroad or having just come home; having been in a borderline exploitative job or returning to a place where I barely recognize myself. Either way, I feel like the world expects me to just grin and bear it through all the vicissitudes of culture shock, and that makes me edgy.

It’s kind of weird. I thought I had filed off some or most of these rough edges during my many years of living in intentional community with other people. Now the edges are back, in spades. But I think there’s wisdom in the mix too.

It’s weird to try to pick up on old relationships now. Some people seem to see me as exactly the same Jess I’ve always been. That’s not quite right. I’ve been through the wringer, have these sharp edges now, this new depth of understanding. I am unafraid now in situations where I used to be knock-kneed and trembling; blindingly insecure where I used to rush headlong.

Some people see me as a person still marred by the indelible blotch of depression. Everyone’s imperfect, but my imperfection has a name. It’s easy to throw that name around. And while this monster does still have me by the nape of my neck – a few unmedicated days proved that conclusively – I’m now managing the beast, instead of the other way around. I’m not still in that deep, black cave filled with my desperate claw-marks. I’m climbing out now, which may look the same sometimes – occasional bouts of tears and meltdown – but it’s not the same, not by a longshot. I am no longer that desperate, crazy, clingy person. I never was. That wasn’t and isn’t me. Don’t see me as that. Please.

Instead, see me as this new creation that I know I am, this conglomerate of character-building experiences, this juxtaposition of abyss and attitude, this whole person with dents and dings who’s possibly a better person for the wear and tear. Someone who came out of a tunnel with inexplicable new skills – not superpowers, surely, but badges that I plan to sew onto my sash and display proudly. Did you know I’m “articulate” now? People have said this to me no less than 5 times in the last 5 weeks. Apparently I’ve learned to order my thoughts. Passion has been tempered by structure.

And somehow in the midst of the chaos I chose a career that’s an exact fit. Go figure.