wow

I just got back from a conference of Iowa professional church folks in my denomination.

It was fantastic.

Remember opinionated me, who is now no longer afraid to voice criticism because I value the truth more highly than trying to make everyone else happy (which generally backfires anyway)? She gave the conference all 5's on the evaluation sheet. It was just that good, that professional, that amazing.

This was the first official rostered leaders' gathering of any kind that I have been to since my consecration and it went a very long way toward filling the huge hole in my soul labeled "community" and "identity" and "ministry" and "faith". The presenters were: one of my favorite seminary professors; arguably the most widely-read scholar in my denomination; and our presiding bishop (along with some other important folk). The presentations were engaging and personal and relevant. I went in there very aware of the ways in which I break and fall down and disappoint. I came out very aware of the grace which mends and picks up and forgives.

The worship was amazing - in a mass of strong voices, all of my vocal indiscretions were immediately forgiven, swallowed up by the good, strong voices, and so I could sing my heart out.

And I had a place there. I was one of the masses, with a specific identity and an accepted role. I was given a rare chance to do the thing I love best and excel at: renew and build relationships. There were people there from all sorts of different bits of my patchwork life: a college campus pastor, seminary friends, folks who had visited me while I was in Germany, Wittenberg Center program leaders and participants, a not-so-distant-future colleague, the bishop's staff, the guy who got me the job I now have, the gal who has the job I turned down... and there were new people to meet, like the dear retired pastor who sat next to me in the phenomenal worship service last night, and sang the last song so passionately that his voice broke in the middle of the men's verse, causing him to burst into giggles.And then there were the 200-odd people who I didn't know yet... mmm... extrovert's paradise.

I realized some things this weekend. One of them was a quote that the prof used in her bible study, from a pastor in his first call. He said "now I'm realizing that the Holy Spirit blows in all of the places where we live and work and love and fall down." This is especially reassuring since I'm in the midst of doing a lot of falling down.

The other thing was something I realized all on my own, mostly while talking to my new colleagues: the fear is gone. I used to have a healthy dose of it, maybe more than my share - it's hard to tell from this perspective - but now I am pretty sure that when faced with a task of any reasonable magnitude, I can probably do it acceptably well. And if not, it won't kill me. I can't imagine a place much worse than where I was a couple of months ago, and if I can survive that, then this job's got nothing. It's not all the kinds of fear that have disappeared; I still have a healthy dose of interpersonal insecurity, especially when it comes to closer relationships. But the career stuff? I'm all over it.