tired

Feel like I'm trying to hold down two full-time jobs this week. I'm utterly exhausted trying to keep up the day-to-day office life as well as hand over the Center piece by piece to the new folks.

There is a lot of good stuff happening - the new directors are competent and excited and learning fast. There is some weird and bad stuff happening too - as I go through our training schedule and start having to explain things I've been working on for the past several months, I'm realizing that I have had no chance to process my feelings. So all of this raw unrefined crap wants to pour out of my mouth every time I try to explain a particularly frustrating transatlantic colleague or provide them with a balanced overview of a program that I've come to hate or resent. I am trying not to scare these people, for pete's sake, but this job is so incredibly overwhelming to me that I know some of that is leaking through my "professional" demeanor.

I mean, it can't possibly be as bad for them as it was for me, just simply because there are two of them. And they have the right titles ("Rev" and "Dr") so they won't have to fight any uphill battles to get respected. And I really don't want them to have to claim my anger. It's mine, and it shouldn't have to apply to them, so I can't just let loose in this situation. But I want to.

It scares me to see the depth and raw force with which I hate parts of my life here. I mean, I wouldn't have described myself as "happy" exactly, but somehow I thought that the worst had passed. But shit. The worst is just bottled up inside me waiting to explode.

I just want this to be over with. I want to go home. 20 days.