Maybe one of these days or weeks or months I can stop writing obsessively about me me ME and how my internal mental landscape is looking, and branch out into something more interesting and off-the-wall and random, and less obsessively, exhaustingly self-centered. But for now, this is what I've got, and if I have learned one thing through this whole pressure/stress/depression madness, it's that the best I can do is good enough, dammit.
So. The training-in of the new directors is proceeding with amazing rapidity. Every time we have a "session," and the burden of responsibility gets shifted a little more squarely onto their shoulders and off of mine, I start breathing just a little easier and laughing just a little more.
Of course another consequence of The Lifting of the Pressure is that the long-repressed feelings are bubbling to the surface in bizarre and unpredictable patterns. We had a little retreat with Christian the past couple of days (a blessed foray out of the Wild and Stifling Wilderness that is this town), and the new directors and Christian got treated to a fit of unabashed Jess-RAGE directed at no one and everyone. I have never known myself to experience feelings with that caliber of intensity and violence and anger. But at least at this point I am quite sure that this is all catharsis and not insanity. Bless their hearts, my companions let me rage until I was finished, and merely worked around it. Hopefully the rage chapter is closed now.
I wonder which feeling is next?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
against the machine
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3 comments:
I know I posted a comment, but I might've posted it on the other one? I dunno. Anyway, I added an addendum to my latest blog entry because you brought up a good point! But no, I am not engaged :) Nor do I have any diamonds. I just like the shiny!
I often rage for no reason, once it was because I ordered a bagel and got a muffin instead. Oh I was very polite to the waitress but I raged for the entire 40 minute ride home - tears and all.
Don't worry, you're still way within the bounds of normal
You know the verse from Ephesians that says "Be angry but do not sin; don't let the sun go down on your anger"? We heard it in church last Sunday, and I've been thinking about it ever since. And I don't think it just means that we have to stop being angry before we go to bed each night. First of all, that is impossible; secondly, there are some things in this world about which we should be angry. So what if the verse also means that we shouldn't push our anger down into the dark interior of the self, but that we should let it out into the sunlight, openly expressing it rather than repressing it. Because only then can we come back around to ourselves. I guess I think sometimes rage can be redemptive (in the deepest sense of the word). I know this is eisegesis, but it's been a helpful way for me to think about it.
So let yourself rage for a while. Rage deeply and righteously. It might bring you back to yourself.
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