overwhelmed

There's entirely too much to say, but I want to say it all. Unfortunately, my internet at home is dead again and I am very hungry and it is late, so I can't stay much longer at the office. So I will try to say it all in very few words.

If I had to pick just one word it would be "overwhelmed." That's kind of been my word for several months now - heck, maybe a couple years - and this week, when everything speeds up and slows down, I don't think things will change much, although I want and need them to. Badly.

I was home for a job interview. ("Home" means anywhere in the upper midwest.) It was overwhelming. Overwhelmingly good, for a change. Everything fell into place and I ended up with a job I am excited about, working conditions that allow me to live where I want and do the kind of work I didn't even know I wanted to do, with a team that works well together and welcomed me enthusiastically into the fold, and a boss I can't wait to work for. And an actual paycheck. A "salary" instead of a "stipend" for the first time ever. I get to check out life above the poverty line. But it's damn hard to concentrate on what I have to do here before I leave, because my brain is so fixated on that place where I feel so much lighter and more alive - home.

Coming back here was so. damn. hard. Every time I have to get back on a plane heading toward Germany, it's a traumatic experience for me. It's like I leave my heart and soul somewhere and the rest of my body takes off without it, and it just doesn't stretch that far. I hate it so much and I *almost* just didn't. Just missed my plane on purpose because I couldn't stand the thought of doing this again, slogging through life in this town that's killing me, even for just a month. But I did it, of course. I have gotten so much more assertive here, but I'm not foolish. I can see the finish line, and now isn't the time to give up. But it wasn't a comfortable flight. It was overwhelming.

There were so many good things that happened to me last week. It's a lot harder to write about the good things than the bad ones. Why is that? Maybe because I am just so out of touch with the good stuff here. How can a place be so toxic? Even my sinuses and my allergies hate it here. But I'm trying to write about good things. To all of you who I got to meet up with: thank you for being a light where so often it's dark. Later, when I can, I will write more so I can do those times justice.

There were so many little fires to put out when I got back here. Programs that had gone a little awry, awkward situations I had to "handle", outstanding bills. At home, last week, I had energy for things and anticipated new beginnings. Back here, now, it all came rushing back: the overwhelming responsibilities, the constant feeling of failure and aloneness, the aching need to GET THE HELL OUT.

And I haven't been able to read my (i.e. your) blogs consistently for a long time. So I made it a point to do it today, and there are many things to commemorate and to celebrate: Arabella is having twins! A friend wrote this beautiful thing about me. The same friend has to relive her biggest and saddest story this week. Lots of you have things to celebrate and to mourn, and I want to do it with you.

That'll have to do for now. I have to step back into survival mode for another couple of weeks . I'm sorry.