I am trying not to be all negative, really I am, but success is not in the cards. I guess maybe I just need to get all of the initial reactions out of my system before I can get on with feeling better. Purge the evil thoughts and whatnot. OK, for the record, the evil thoughts that need purging (and the ways in which I am attempting to mitigate them):
- over 300 emails to read and respond to (to be fair, my colleagues did an admirable job of covering for me in my absence...) ... which means I am not as irreplaceable as I might like to think I am... (...which perhaps bodes well for my getting out of here sooner?)
- My empty, empty apartment, devoid of interpersonal contact or even a cat (but at least that means my allergies won't flare up anymore...)... but actually, I decided on this trip, cats are totally worth the sniffling.
- I am sick. Coughing up and blowing out massive amounts of green stuff sick. I declined to take my temperature during the 15 minutes I was in my apartment on my way to work this morning, because I was not willing to accept the consequences if I did have a fever. (What is the upside to this one? Not sure. That I didn't feel really sick while I was home? I guess that is a good thing.)
- Still no freaking internet access in my apartment. To be precise, no computer at all. I can only assume that this was a planned measure designed to FIX THE DANG THING and not some sort of badly misinformed thievery. I am beyond frustrated about this. It has been well over a month now!! (OK, I have internet access at work...) ...but that is really no consolation. I want to go home and rest, but I have a zillion e-mails to write and when I leave here, I leave my connection to the outside world too. (Except that I have a phone...) ...which is useless because most of you are at work or busy right now and won't get home or un-busy until I go to bed.
For all the negativity, though, I do think I am coping OK, and I don't think I will go home and break down into tears (although you never know, really). I just think this is a really unhealthy situation right now: I don't want to stay at work forever, because that's not healthy, but I also don't want to go home, because then I am alone and disconnected from everyone and for me that is about as unhealthy as it gets. Ugh.
New-old mantra: Jess, you can do anything for a year.
5 comments:
Oh no. Green stuff? Okay- I didn't/don't have green stuff--- so it's not from me, kay? You've given me a new perspective, though. I've been sick for 15 days, off and on. But, at least I'm not sick and alone. :( Please feel my hug (((((Jess)))))
Love, Amy
"that mourns in lonely exile here"
I thought of you today while singing that line. But remember that the stanza ends with rejoicing, with hope in a future that you know is coming.
Much love,
Elizabeth
Thanks for the hopes and the hugs. I'll hang on to both of them.
It's really not all that bad here. I have a warm apartment, work to keep me busy, a gym membership, enough to eat, a TV, internet access (sometime soon!)... really, I have all the needs covered and quite a few of the wants too. The transition was hard, as I sort of knew it would be, but I guess I'm back on my feet now.
I'm sorry it's a rough time, Jessica. Are there any cafes near your apartment with Internet access? Internet access + hot beverage in hand = good thing. Can you take a sick day and just sleep and read and eat? I'll be thinking of you.
Jess, you know what? Let's do some helpful deconstruction. Germany will be put in a big bag, and we will close the bag tightly and now we will beat it really hard. That feels good, doesn't it? (: And now we will take the bag and throw it in a river. Hooray! We just drowned Germany!
By the way, I just decided that you really need to get out of there over Christmas. Whether you come to my family or somewhere else, I am not going to let you sit there while the rest of the country is eating Spekulatius and drinking Glühwein.
Much love to you, and know that you have a soul mate in the city of the three foggy rivers...
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