Here I go, shooting off at the fingers again...

Me again... I just got back from running. For two and a half hours! Seriously. I am still a bit in shock that it was so easy. I was conversing with Heather the whole way, who, bless her heart, pedaled alongside me in slow-motion, doing the Slug Slalom and toting my water and capri sun for that blessed sugar rush halfway through. Alone, I definitely would have turned back way sooner. I started with the vague goal of "something like two hours" but grossly underestimated the mileage of my rollerblading route. I've done it so often that it feels shorter, I guess. But it's 15 miles. So... there you go. I can run that 25 km race in September. In fact, I can kick its butt, and I know this because I just did! Not quickly or anything, but I totally did it, and I felt good doing it. My hunch is, tomorrow I will not feel so good. So I shall enjoy it for my remaining half-hour of consciousness this evening. :-)

But this is not the reason I am posting yet again. The reason is this: I just made this sizeable realization, and for me, realizations are to be shared (as long as they don't hurt anyone or violate boundaries). It was sort of a chain-reaction realization, and it went something like this:

1.) I am pretty serious about this marathon thing. Like, I am really going to do it!
2.) And, miracles of miracles, I really believe I can.
3.) Wow, I am the kind of person who can run a marathon! I never would have guessed this. Even a month ago I wouldn't have dreamed I would consider myself that kind of person.
4.) Wait, I get it! So that was my motivation behind this sudden marathoning urge! It's about being that kind of person. It's about meeting a very quantifiable yet seemingly impossible goal, which will give me the confidence to face this other vague, scary, non-quantifiable obstacle that is currently sapping up way too much of my life energy--the Thing Which Shall Not Be Named (Until Next Week)--with courage and grace.

I am usually pretty in touch with myself, and I don't normally have a hard time sorting out my motivations for things. Often they're complicated, but I generally have a pretty good handle on them. But until today, I was not entirely sure where this whole sudden marathon thing came from. I mean, sure, various favorable factors converged, but then I made this big choice, and wasn't sure why. Now I think I know. It's a way to take charge of a little something in my life, in a healthy way. (Certainly healthier for me than running amok with weapons or writing random vituperative vignettes or taking up extreme snowboarding.) A way to teach me the self-discipline that I know I will need for the Thing, a way to convince myself that even though I might feel very, very alone here sometimes, that does not stop me from doing what needs to be done.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Happy weekend, y'all!
P.S. You can, too!