Decision Time is creeping up on me. It’s a green-eyed beast, this one, blinking with reptilian nonchalance, its tongue darting out to taste my uncertainty. Time marches on, the beast slithers steadily closer, and sometime soon a decision is unavoidable. What am I doing next, dear people?
Now, normally I do allow myself quite a bit of procrastinatory legroom on the little things (albeit always coming in under the deadline), but with the big things, like the basic academic or career infrastructure of my life, I like to have the next step charted out reasonably well in advance. I guess I need the anchor.
This is a big decision, and I can’t help but think that I will be closing some doors by making it. I am a bit greedy—I like having lots of options. But really, I am going to have to choose a trajectory here. I am thoroughly intimidated. But it helps me to think of it not as one giant All-Consuming Life Decision, but rather a series of smaller, binary decisions. Stay here: yes or no? Japan: yes or no? Apply to academic program A: Yes or no? A nice, safe flowchart.
This is coming to a head because my bosses just invited me officially to stay a third year. I am so torn. This position has some of the things I am looking for and need: the work environment is fairly supportive, it is a church institution, the setting is international, and they have said some very nice things about my work (I am a sucker for affirmation). I do make a difference here. The Center desperately needs someone in my position, and the continuity of having the same someone for a third year in a row would be really a plus for our programming. It would also be nice for me to experience some of the programs that I have been organizing so intensively. A good number of them are happening in late 2006, and since I am planning to leave in June, a bit of closure would definitely be lacking if I didn't stay. And… on the personal front, my social life has finally reached the “acceptable” level here.
And now for the big ‘but’s...
On the flip side, I have no idea what the social outlook will be for me next year, after many of my friends jump ship. And this will still be a tiny little podunk hick town with anemic cultural offerings and nobody my age to play with. This work is far from ideal for me: it keeps me busy but hasn't captured my heart in the least, except in brief flashes. I know for sure that this is not what I am called to do forever. (But in the grand scheme of things, what’s one more year?) It is not terribly challenging, and often leaves me with time to kill during the day (while requiring evening and weekend hours). And there is a healthy dose of difficult office dynamics, which I won’t go into here. Not to mention the undercurrent of loneliness, which is covered with a social band-aid now but still very much a constant companion.
By now you all know me. You’ve experienced what makes me sad, what delights me, where my anchors are. You've ridden the waves of my existential angst and basked in the rays of sunshine with me. Now I need you to help me find insight where mine is lacking: What should I do? What should I consider? What shall I say to the green-eyed beast when he finally reaches me? Stay: yes or no?
Thursday, May 19, 2005
A plea
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4 comments:
Ooh, so many decisions. I can't tell you the right thing to do, but I can offer this advice:
Nothing is final, and the choice you make for next year doesn't have to dictate what comes after that. Personally, when I'm having trouble deciding, I tend to think about what I would regret NOT doing.
But I'm sure any of your options will turn out great!
FYI: a college classmate of yours (Heather S.--I don't know if she'd want me to put her last name here) will be starting teaching in Japan in July 2005--I think for 2 years, though the info doesn't say that. My congregation (in her home synod) has been asked to help sponsor her as the person we were sponsoring has completed her term of service.
I feel like you are trying to say that the green-eyed beast is the time of decision making...but somehow, I feel like you are implicitly saying that staying is the green-eyed beast. And the question is whether the green-eyed beast is a lovable ogre like Shrek or a horrible monster like--well, I don't have a good analogy here.
I'm not telling you to stay (nor telling you to go), but I think there might be something to be said for First Call Theological Education being 3 years--something about being expected to be struggling with what a call means and where is the place you are called and what gifts and skills do you have and need and what people resources do you need around you and how do you discern when to move on because you are called not because your coworkers are driving you crazy--and that these strugglings (and more) are part of a process that if you end too soon, you don't get to the deepest struggles--or the clarity of answers that you need to discern and answer the next call.
So, maybe this is an answer that I'm trying to tell myself 2 years into my first call, because I don't really have the choice to stay or go, but I'm having those same thoughts...stay or go.
Haw... (in answer to Meckhead's hem)
I could end up being way, waaay off, but I'm going to attempt a little Jess Analysis: I *think* Wittenberg is the safe choice for you.
After two rather bumpy years, although you can't say you're completely happy, life has finally become endurable. Maybe the thought of throwing yourself into a new, uncertain environment holds too much potential for being a repeat of what you just went through. Who could blame you for thinking, Am I ready to go through that all over again so soon?
I was just having this talk with another friend the other day, but I think it's kind of important, so I'll risk being repetitive: my biggest piece of advice to you--and sorry if I am stating the obvious--is that there is no right or wrong choice in a situation like this. In life, you don't choose Door #3, and then bells start dinging, and you think, "I won!" (Although, sure, sometimes there are bells. Just not forever.)
For example, I get the feeling you would never dream of spending the rest of your life in Wittenberg. But you'll never know what might have happened if you did. You could suddenly stumble upon your true calling, the thing that you were meant to do. You could meet the love of your life.
Alternately, you could decide to go somewhere that seems full of life and endless opportunities, and then something simply horrible happens to you there. Or not.
I'm so sorry--I'm being no help at all. But the fact is that there's just no way of knowing which choices will lead to happiness and which will lead to tragedy. And life being annoying that way, you'll get hit with both no matter where you go or what you do.
I think whatever you decide, you will throw yourself wholeheartedly into it, and in the end, that's the most important thing.
I hardly even know where to begin. Noames, that's a great litmus test: what would I regret NOT doing? Becuase I really have found that those should-have regrets are the ones you can't really go back and change later.
Jodi... you are probably right about the beast and what it is symbolizing. And I *know* you are right about First Call Education. I really wish I could participate in that here. It might make me feel less like I have to do this alone. I want to struggle *with* people... (thanks for helping!)
Meckhead... yes I am SO MUCH an external processor. So, so much. And I am taking up this issue in actual and virtual conversations as well. :-) This is also an excellent question: have I accomplished what I came here to do?" I will let you know. :-)
And Rachel... I believe you are right too (my goodness, you are all giving me such sage advice. I am overwhelmed)... this would be a safer choice. Do I want to make the safe choice?
Just today, a wrench got thrown into the gears which I am not yet at liberty to discuss, but it is taking my decision up a notch. Stay tuned... (I am still very open to advice and counseling! :-)
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