I bow at the altar of Lexapro...

...for it has given me back my soul.

With only occasional minor setbacks, I have been making a steadily upward journey for a while now; gradual enough that it didn't feel like a ton of bricks, but steady enough that I can look backwards with real relief. I'm feeling better. I'M FEELING BETTER!

I was just e-mailing a friend yesterday about how it feels to experience the denouement of a plotline I've hated since Chapter One. I feel like I've been getting bits of my self back, piece by piece, from some cruel imprisonment. The virtues are marching back and taking their place as pieces in the puzzle of Me, rejoining the vices that somehow never left. I'm revelling in the ability to feel empathy, joy, bubbling excitement; the feeling of being whole again, of being liked and likeable, of being sovereign and competent to make my own choices and live my own life without screwing it up over and over again. I can even enjoy the moderate ups and downs, because I'm starting to trust that the downs won't unravel me.

In the past couple of weeks I've faced all of my demons and won (or at least survived). I've started to get to know my housemates on an individual level, and wow, are they an interesting bunch. I'm starting to realize that while I will never be glad to have travelled this long and painful journey, I emerge with some new tools in my box, notably the ability to empathize with a deeper and wider range of painful emotions (without reliving them myself).

I've had the chance to suss out my core values - the ones that sustain me whatever my mood: community, empathy, justice, honesty, sacrificial giving, sustainability. And I've been able to realize that in making my lifestyle choices, I've put myself on a path that allows me to live out of these convictions.

*basks*