itjustneverstops

Boss is still in the hospital, it's still Reformation week (read: the biggest week of the year for this particular city), and I still have a zillion deadlines and a zillion details and a zillion e-mails. I don't know whether to cower in a corner and give in to my almost constant desire to weep frantically, or let the amazonian inside me pound her scarred chest and scream "I am woman (and managing director), hear me roar!" So I have been alternating. (But I do try to keep the weeping to a minimum at work.)

I am so sick of the mood swings from confident/competent to scared/pathetic and back again. Therefore I have apparently made the subconscious decision to ban all moods until such a time as I am swimming again, and not sinking. Well, OK, subconscious, whatever you have to do to protect yourself, but for the record, I find it weird.

I have the feeling (but only the removed, objective sort of observational-feeling, not the"everyone please feel sorry for me now" feeling) that who I am - what I am passionate about, the things that I choose, the way my brain works - are completely irrelevant to my life's situation right now. That what I am stems directly from my job title. Time-wise, that has certainly been true these past few weeks. (I certainly do not plan to make 80-hour work weeks a habit; however, we're in a state of extended emergency and there really isn't anyone else. )

And my space bar is totally spacing out (as in, not spacing when it is required to), which, if I were in my normal emotion-having state, would have caused me frustration, but in my all-new "emotions suck" cool-as-a-cucumber-ness, it only makes me sit back and take notice.