I am preaching today. I am nervous. Not nervous about anything in particular--for example, my nose falling off or my alb flying up (there's nothing like the image of Marilyn Monroe in the pulpit), or forgetting my manuscript, or tripping on the way up the stairs--nothing like that, just Generalized Butterflies. A cultural aside: every time I have said in Germany that I have butterflies in my stomach, my German friends have understood me to mean "I am in luuuuuv!" It is a somewhat similar feeling, isn't it? I read somewhere that your body experiences thrill and terror exactly the same.
This is the first time I am preaching as a consecrated diaconal minister. I want to do justice to the roster, to be a good ambassador for all ministers of word and service. I feel better knowing that my friend Elizabeth, who is a great preacher and a great theologian, has read my sermon and given me some extremely helpful and constructive feedback, and I know that my sermon is the better for it. But still. Every time I preach (which is not all that often, but often enough to see the patterns), I go through a phase where I am utterly convinced that I have written trash and no one could possibly hear God's word through my hideously patchworked sentences and disjointed ramblings. Yes, this lovely, lovely phase.
In order to preempt this blip on the self-confidence radar, I usually read through a couple of my previous sermons before I start writing the new one. Because the pattern also includes a time afterwards, when I read through the sermon again, where I decide that maybe it was a decently OK sermon after all, and possibly someone could have heard what I wanted to say, and gosh, wasn't that a fun turn of phrase, and maybe I won't be required to "throw in the towel" (a little diaconal ministry humor there). But really, it doesn't work. I still have to live through the I Have Written A Crap Sermon Will Someone Please Put Me Out of My Misery phase.
Did I mention that the preaching is happening in the Castle Church of All Saints, the very church on whose door Martin Luther famously and audaciously posted his 95 Theses almost 490 years ago?? You know, no pressure.
Help!
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Schmetterlinge im Bauch
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7 comments:
Heh, never imagined a Marilyn Monroe moment...it may make me giggle tomorrow as I do the same thing (preach) although not in nearly as auspicious a place as the Castle Church of All Saints.
I too always feel like my sermon is not worthy. I struggled with this a lot during my internship and made good moves towards getting past it (I did not fully succeed) as I realized that the good ole Holy Spirit does some work too. And, the listeners have to do some work too. As time and time again people told me that they heard something they needed that I hadn't intended I realized that this whole sermon thing isn't about my product. (On the flip side, if the product is incoherent it won't help anything). So, this is meant for my ears as well as I struggle to write the perfect sermon to be preached to people I don't know that will be recorded for people that I hope to be known to as pastor in the near future. Well, I suppose if I write anymore I should on my own blog.
May you see the Spirit working through you and your words and in the people your words reach. Blessings! (Christ is risen!)
What I really like about one of the three (!) ministers who regularly preach at my church is that she always quotes the important phrases from the text she is preaching on - instead of saying, "And this is why we should react just as Peter did." Well, sometimes I find it nice if the person preaching could just say one more time how Peter reacted. Perhaps this is not new to you, but the congregation doesn't have the sermon in print - they have to understand everything just by listening, understanding and reflecting (all at the same time...).
now, i am not an extremely experienced sermon writer or preacher since my only real experience has been the 7+ months that I have been on internship. But, you know what? I go through that phase, too. Occasionally there might be a sermon that I'm fairly proud of, or I think I've done a really good job on, but most I feel are just okay. But regardless, I go through the phase of thinking the sermon is worthless, and that everyone will hate it and it will be revealed that I am a fraud. Then I'll be destined to go and scrape gum off of the bottom of tables for a living. But sometimes the sermons I feel the worst about are the ones that people respond the best to. And sometimes the sermons I think are exceptional are the ones that receive the least response.
So I think I've rambled, but I'm going to try to bring it back around to my original intent... Those feelings are natural. But as Amused said in a previous comment, it's not all about us. It's about us and the listeners, but mostly about the Holy Spirit.
It sounds like you've got some good material there, so just go and preach your heart out and things will be good!!!
Hi Jess, By the time you read this comment, you'll be on that high that comes "after!" :) Though I am the LEAST "in-the-ministry" type person among your blogging community...I do still relate to your insecurities about sharing in front of others. I am preparing my testimony for the last MOPS meeting in May. I was excited to be asked, but have had a lot of negative self-talk since then. I guess we just have to work through that junk and let the Spirit roam. :) Amy
Oh! I'm both excited and nervous for you! I don't know if I have any right to share my thoughts on this, but I was once a churchgoer a long time ago, and I remember there was one pastor who always made me pay attention because his heart was so visibly in his face and voice. When he spoke of challenges, you could see he was right there alongside us with his own weaknesses, and when he spoke of god, there was so much gentle joy and love in his face, it was pretty humbling. If your writing is any reflection of your sermons, Jessica, I have a feeling you'll do fine.
Wow, preaching in Marty's old church. If you wanted to be really bold, you could title your sermon, "the 96th Thesis." I'm sure you'll do well.
Wow, thanks, you guys. I really appreciate your encouragement and advice, from both sides of the church door and from both sides of the pulpit. You reminded me of some things that I forget sometimes. Thanks. I count myself lucky to have such a cool blogging community.
And about the Marilyn Monroe scene... how about we make a "lady preachers" calendar? PPB, you can be Miss March. Amused, you get April!
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