forever and for now

When I was just out of college and had to do my comprehensive psychological assessment for seminary (can't have any official freaks training for the ministry, ya know), the psychologist said a couple of things that for some reason have stuck with me ever since: the first was that I would never settle down enough to actually settle down with someone. I still think I might prove him wrong on that count. Ahem. Someday. The second thing he said was just sort of a general comment, that I tend to focus my mental energy on whatever crop of new ideas that comes up. He was dead on with that one.

Let me tell you about two of the ideas that keep dancing around in my head lately: permanence and restlessness.

Permanence is a biggie. I'm older now, a little bit more settled, maybe a tad more mature, and my heart is starting to gravitate toward that which is permanent. My view of my family has shifted subtly and accordingly, and I found myself not hesitating at all to respond positively to the invitation to attend my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis. Despite the 5-hour drive (due to my travel schedule, I positively covet non-car time). Despite the fact that I have 27 first cousins, and thus not a lot of one-on-one time with this one. Despite the fact that I talk to this cousin only on family holidays. I *like* her, don't get me wrong -- we just have little in common. Nope, I didn't hesitate. It seemed like a no-brainer, a family activity, a way to plug into the family root system that anchored me as a kid. Family seems so permanent to me right now, and not much else does.

I realize, of course, that my living situation is relatively ephemeral. As well as you might get along, roommates aren't forever. Especially when you have 15 of them. My job isn't permanent either --I did give a several-year commitment, but I plan to outlive that considerably. My closer friends are getting full-time jobs and losing their giant chunks of free time and focusing more on their permanences, and I don't have many friendships here, now, that seem like they'll last a good long while.

Which leaves me in this interesting paradox. Again, I find myself (now or in a couple of years) in a position of being able to move just about anywhere and start over. The permanence-seeking part of me rejects that. But the restless part is starting to embrace the idea.

Restlessness has characterized my life so far, and I don't think I'm apt to change that. I enjoy major upheaval. If things stagnate around me, so do my heart and my mind. Sometimes it's as simple as rearranging furniture, sometimes it's as huge as moving to a foreign country, but I need variety!

Foreign country... that does sound nice. Two of the most plausible Next Steps shimmering on my restless horizon are the Peace Corps (I've been meaning to get around to that for ten years now anyway!) and the International Peace Studies program at Notre Dame (ditto).

So, yeah... I guess for now I'll hang on to my family, but also pursue some crazy new adventures. I figure I can always look back on my life and discovery the threads of permanence-- motifs and themes that have punctuated my existence. But adventures... why, they need to be lived!

Maybe it's time to think about filling out some applications.