So this three-week intensive course is the same one we hosted last year at this time, for which I provided mucho accompaniment. The participants were... well, a little exhausting, to be honest. You know how there's usually always a stinker in the bunch? We had like three or four wildly different kinds of stinkers.
And now the program is running again - this time, not a stinker in the bunch - and the same professor is back leading it. He gave me a lovely compliment yesterday, one that actually had my jaw dangling because of how much I was totally not expecting anything like that to come out of his mouth. He said, "Jess, it's amazing to me how much you've grown this past year! Last year you were talented and helpful and competent... but this year, well, this year I could tell from the outset that you had taken on new responsibilities. And I can see that you have really grown into them." (Etcetera... he went on for a while in this vein, my jaw growing increasingly slack-er.)
I share this not to toot my own horn, but to register my confusion publicly. Um... how is it that I can project an image that is 180 degrees different than how I am currently seeing myself? I don't understand. Maybe I am somewhat responsibly checking off all the items on my enormous to-do list one by one, but people, it's completely perfunctory. I am only going through the motions! My heart is so not in this. I don't feel competent or responsible or the least bit skilled at what I am doing. And I don't like the fact that I can fool intelligent people who actually know me fairly well. I almost want to sit him down and explain to him how it really is... but on the other hand it's probably OK for a few people to think I'm competent.
Is it possible to do something well if it only gets about 10% of your mental energy (but sucks away the reminaing 90)?
Friday, January 06, 2006
Come again?
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6 comments:
(Big smile) Yeah, I think I'd just graciously accept the compliments and keep the realistic junk about it to yourself.
Sometimes life is all about just keeping up and putting one foot ahead of the other. If people think we're excellent while doing it, then great!
This is just another reminder of how even your 10% is better than most people's 100%. Let it work for you, Jess! :)
Love, Amy
In my opinion, the answer is yes. However, ultimately, you want to find something that you want to devote much more of your mental energy to, and that's what you'll truly be the best at.
Nice compliment! Enjoy it; you've certainly earned it.
Is this 3 week intensive course potentially people from my seminary?? I know that they are over in your neck of the woods now, so I'm thinking they might be the group you are talking about. And, if they are, well they are mostly a good bunch of folks.
(And if it IS the group from my seminary, don't worry because I don't know who went last year, so I'm not going to run off and call them and tell them what you said. First, that would be stupid and second, they'd probably agree with you...) And if it IS the group from my seminary, then it's also the professor I'm thinking of, and if it is a compliment from him, then it is NOT something to be taken lightly.
Hopefully it's the group from my seminary, otherwise this might be one of the longest, most inapplicable comments ever. Have fun!
Mark... yup, you're exactly right. It's them, and the prof is the one you're thinking of.
Just for the record: none of the stinkers belonged to you guys. They were from elsewhere. :-)
I spent a solid chunk of time getting to know two of your friends the other day, and found them amazing in a variety of ways. They brought you up at one point and I was like "hey! I read his blog!" Small blogging world, small (denominational) world... :-)
Amy and Arabella... thank you. :-) I am seriously thankful for your support, encouragement and solid advice.
Jess --
You seem to have acquired U of C Syndrome ("I'm totally inadequate and incompetent but I'm really good at fooling people into thinking that I'm stellar. And at any moment it could all come tumbling down and the horrible truth that I'm a fraud will be discovered."). Perhaps you were infected with the disease in Hyde Park, but then it remained latent in you for several years.
The good news is that the perception is false. Everyone I know who thinks that way about herself (which includes most of my Chicago friends) is really only fooling herself. They are all competent, adequate, and some of them are even stellar. [Except me. I really am inadequate, incompetent, and good at fooling people.]
As for you, you are definitely one of the stellar ones!!
Okay... so, seriously then. That professor of whom you are speaking said some nice things about me at a faculty meeting. Another professor brought it up to me later, said that a certain professor was singing my praises, and if HE was singing my praises then I must have done/said something extraordinary. Usually if you say or do something good, this professor will smile or laugh and nod, and not say much. If you have brought him to say wonderful things about you, then you know you are doing an awesome job.
So, good for you!!! Keep up the great work, and you should tell my seminary people that I say Hello!
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