Nothing like a little dose of bleagh for posterity...
Today sucked. I feel like someone's filling my backpack with lead bricks while the foundation crumbles beneath my feet. My social life consists of one long goodbye; I am resentful of my job and the fact that it is holding me hostage here; I want to be the one saying goodbye and starting from scratch, inventing myself anew. I don't want more responsibility and more chains and more hours. I don't even want the more money.
I'm scared and frustrated and exhausted and I want to snap my fingers and make the world freeze up so I can sleep for a week and come at this full strength. But of course all I keep getting are new days and new chances and new responsibilities.
You can't run and sob at the same time, so I alternated. But then I ran out of breath so I had to walk home and I was cold and sweaty. I don't like it here. I want to do what I'm passionate about, what I'm called to, and it most certainly is not this. This is drudgery for me. But on the other hand, I want to be the kind of person who keeps her promises and honors her contracts and springs in when she's needed. A grown-up. So I stay, and I decide every morning to not quit my job and go home.
Some people live their whole lives like this, it occurs to me.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
I'll probably erase this in the morning
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6 comments:
Awh Jess...It'll pass, hang in there. Your whole life isn't like that, that's for sure. Good luck!
Hedwig
I have no wisdom, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and am empathizing with your emotions. However much or little that helps...
Hi there, wise ladies... thanks, it *does* help. :-)
Ugh, I'm sorry you are running alone these days. I miss you so much. Really.
EAM.
I'm glad you didn't erase this. I've wondered if you still feel a little that way, esp. with all the goodbyes. Your general daily happiness depends so much on the people you share it with. On that note, I am praying that you will connect with a most perfect companion who *stays.* Love, Amy
EAM, I miss you too. Come back?
Amy... clearly I haven't been expressing the darker feelings enough on this blog. :-) I feel like this pretty often... at least a few times a day. But so far, there is still a heavy dose of survivor instinct too.
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