If you don't mind me indulging in a fair bit of pettiness and selfishness... it couldn't really have come at a worse time.
Advil is barely staving off the tension headaches, the new job is throwing me into a melee of swirling emotions (many of which tend toward the frustration / fear / overwhelmedness / resentment end of the spectrum), I am trying to help my last friend leave when really all I want to do is chain her to my kitchen table, I can't stop my brain from drifting off to K. and other far-away situations when really I have no choice but to concentrate on the task at hand, and I just purchased my little 12 days of freedom, fastened the carrot to the end of the stick...
...and I get this e-mail. This e-mail that I just can't seem to file into the right emotional location. My mom is getting married. Within the next few months. They bought a house that's not "his" or "hers," but "ours". They have "joy and certainty."
I know what I should be. I should be wildly happy for her. I should at least be able to voice my support - she deserves that from at least one daughter, I think, and my sister seems content to let me do the honors. But I am stuck in the Petty Desert, with the tiniest of tiny thoughts wedged into my tiny brain: "Why did she mass e-mail me along with her five best friends? Doesn't a marriage merit a phone call at least?" "Do I have to call him my stepfather?" And, the most ludicrous of all the vile and self-serving thoughts in my head, "why does she get two husbands, huh?" (Seriously folks, I don't want either one of hers!)
And they haven't set a date yet. This is seriously bothering me, people, and not for any nice reasons. Where is my goodwill? I mean, of course I will be there for my mother's wedding- that is the sort of thing you just don't skip. But I am here, at least for the most part, and it is there and there are x-thousand miles and several hundred dollars between here and there. Are they going to do this when I am already home? Because that would ruin my road trip. I hate myself for thinking that, but you don't know how much I need people to be happy to see me right now. Or are they going to do this at some point when I am going to have to arrange things and use up more vacation and buy another ticket?
I am such a bitch.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Dazed and confused
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8 comments:
I'm completely at a loss for productive and/or helpful things to say.
Let me know if you need me to talk anyway.
I often find myself thinking inappropriate thoughts about the things going on around me. At least your thoughts are warranted. Sometimes mine are just mean and unnecessary.
I agree that you deserve a phone call. Your mom wouldn't have to do that before she emailed her best friends, but she could at least say that you were one of the first to know. Then she could plan a wedding far enough in the future that you have time to accept such a dramatic change in her life and maybe, just maybe, you might become excited about it.
I am at a loss to offer anything comforting. Don’t beat yourself up about this though. You don’t need to have “good will” for at least 24 hours after hearing news like this.
You're not a bitch, Jess. You're just honest. She's your mom, you're entitled to care about her and the decisions she makes. And caring for her doesn't mean you have to agree with everything she does, or how she does it (i.e. mass email no-date wedding announcement). And hey, you're entitled to be a little bit selfish, too. Don't worry about it. 'Cause if you don't ride out your real emotions they'll just get suppressed and you'll blow up at a very inconvenient time.
you're so not a bitch. You're having your first reaction to the news and it just needs to settle in. Even then, it's something that not only affects her life but yours as well. Your feelings matter, too. so here: (o) you once gave one of those to me. Right back at ya from across the pond.
I just did a whole lot of catching up on what's been going on in your life (July to present!)...gasp! There is a lot going on, and I'm just amazed you're dealing with it all so well. I truly feel for you, especially the part about having to say good-bye to all your friends, one by one. And having all those fears and doubts about your new position (belated congratulations!). And now your mom mass-mailing you about something this big--oy.
Just as everyone has already said above, all your thoughts and reactions are perfectly human and justified.
And I would totally have thought the same thing about the road trip being ruined. I hope it isn't--you sounded so excited about it.
Bum deal, Jess. I have thought of you several times over the past week as several more of my friends (some 6 year friends) have announced their upcoming moves to other states. :( It's hard to be the one moving, but it's especially hard to be the one left behind. It really makes you realize that there are few things permanent. Few things guaranteed. I guess we just have to focus on the ones that are.
I don't know what to say about your mom's remarriage. It must be one of the weirdest feelings. I'm glad that you want to be supportive and loving--- you're right, a mother soo needs that from her daughter. :) As long as the desire is there, hopefully you'll be able to make peace with it over time. The mass e-mail was inappropriate. But, perhaps she was caught up in the moment. We're all human and we make dumb social mistakes.
So excited about your trip home--
Amy
I tried to comment last night but was thwarted by my internet collapsing and my computer freezing up, yet again. Dang.
Anyway, first off, thank you SO MUCH for your supportive comments. I really would not have blamed you if you'd agreed with me! It continues to move and astound me that I really do have such great friends out there in the ether, friends who apparently think better of me than I sometimes do.
As for the mom bit, I think we've got that part taken care of. She called, having been tipped off by my sister that her choice of messenger was a little hurtful. She was very contrite and very sincere and the little knot inside me dissolved. I suck at carrying grudges, anyway. Seriously, I'm practically incapable of it.
So there's one thing. I still have to deal with the shock and various other emerging feelings around the whole "remarriage, stepfather, two families" deal, but at least I know I'm invited to the wedding and I mean enough to my mom to warrant a phone call.
Oh yeah, about my mom... she really was just trying to be fair in telling everyone all at once, and not leaving important details out (even though she did anyway :-), and she had no idea she was hitting such a nerve by doing something that made me feel even farther away. I think I mostly knew that she wasn't trying to hurt me. But sometimes it's hard to distinguish my hurt from the other person's intent. Um... yeah.
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