I suppose that by mentioning this in the first place, I've committed myself to following through with the "Jess's happy drugs" saga. So, here's the scoop: I halved the dosage for a few days. Yesterday I was feeling great and would have given the whole experiement at least a cautious "so far, so good." I had so much more energy! My sleeping hours were within normal range for a grown-up! I felt good! I had preferences and opinions! I could crack jokes!
But dammit, dammit, dammit. Now today I have to admit that it's not working. :-( All that energy is just turning around to attack me, just like it used to. I noticed it yesterday a little bit, and today a lot: I'm doing it again. I'm constantly comparing myself to everything and everyone else around me and finding that I don't measure up. I'm starting to be convinced again that no one will ever love me. I'm closing in on myself and brooding and just in general looking at life through one of those f***ed up mirrors like at one of those circus funhouses. The insecurities are all back - not with the old intensity, though. I'm sad, but not despairing yet. I'm insecure and scared, but I'm not that snivelling pile of pain curled up weeping on the bathroom floor. But that's the direction it's going. I can see it approaching and so I guess I have to ward it off.
So I'm choosing away my personality again. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. But, well... I guess it's good to know I still have a personality underneath all this zombie stuff, even if it's a broken and flawed one.
Why should 7.5 mg of random chemical be able to bring about this kind of radical change in my personality? Why am I forced to choose between joy and sanity? Is it too selfish to want both? It's scary and dizzying to think that my entire sanity teeters on the instable foundation of this one little drug that doesn't even exist in the US. This tiny little brown tablet makes the difference between a beam and a vacant gaze, a Jess who is exuberant and joyful and bizarre and one who can barely muster up the energy to go with the flow.
It's not fair. Why can't I just be me and not hate myself for it?
Thursday, July 27, 2006
a swing and a miss
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Jess - I have been where you are at. There are other meds to try - it might be worth consideration. I think I've tried about 5-7 different meds over the years (I hope that's encouraging and not discouraging!). You should not need to choose between the black and whites you list in the last paragraph. You are a beautiful, wonderful individual who deserves to feel even and like yourself. There is a med out there that can help.
Ditto. There must be something else. Those extremes sound too hard for you (or anyone) to choose between. :(
Amy
Your previous commenters said it best. Perhaps, when you get back to the States, you could find a doctor that you can really talk to, and who will have some helpful suggestions.
hey lady. i wanted to tell you about my own experience with antidepressants. when i first cut down on my dosage, i felt worse than i ever had. i think my body needed the time to adjust to the new levels. i don't guarantee it's the same for all people or all drugs, but it's something to think about.
i miss you, you know that?
Post a Comment