I assume that all of you are acting out of concern and goodwill, but I have had quite a few uncomfortable e-mails that I want to address publicly.
It doesn't help me to hear "cheer up, Jess! It's not as bad as you think." Because how do you know? I haven't been describing to you in painful detail the powerlessness I feel over so many parts of my life right now, and the conversations that play themselves out over and over in my head and the ways I waste so much energy chasing things down blind alleys.
Yes, it's pretty bad. But on the other hand, it's not as bad as some of you seem to think.
It doesn’t help me right now to hear “I’m so worried about you that I’m tearing my hair out. Write me back RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND and tell me that you’re still alive!!” Yes, suicidal ideations are sometimes a part of depression, but that is NOT where I’m at right now. I am in a situation that has been extremely difficult for me in the long term, and I have been dealing with it more or less successfully for months. Getting help and a diagnosis is not the thing that is going to put me over the edge. Please do not worry about me on a major scale. I have no plans to do any harm to myself, at least nothing worse than having some apparently remarkably ineffective coping mechanisms. But I’m working on changing those patterns.
It doesn’t help me to hear “anti-depressants are bad and you should really reconsider.” If you don’t agree that anti-depressants can be helpful to people, that’s your opinion and I respect it. But please don’t tell me about it right now. Because frankly, you’re not going to change my mind. This stuff is giving me hope that things will eventually (sooner rather than later) get less overwhelming. Please don’t try to take that away from me. That is just not nice. Medical science is pretty unified in describing depression as an illness, an imbalance of chemicals in the brain that can often be effectively treated with drugs and therapy. So far it seem like the drugs are taking the edge off of things at least.
I am very overwhelmed with work and life in general right now. My job responsibilities and trying to keep up with daily life are draining a lot of energy from me, and I’m not going to be good at fulfilling anyone else’s demands for a while. I am in survival mode still and unfortunately being accommodating sometimes feels like too much of an effort. Writing this post took a lot of effort, but hopefully it will help us all communicate better.
P.S. Countdown: 103 days.
6 comments:
Well said and Amen. I'm praying for you as you continue to cope and juggle.
Applause to you for this blog.
Rock on Jeess. I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough right now, and happy for you that you're getting some extra support and help. But mostly I"m hella impressed at how well you got right to the point of what you need and don't need from your friends right now. That's an excellent skill to have.
Good luck with it all!
Friends are good people, but sometimes their "advice" really isn't all that helpful, particularly when it concerns personal medical decisions. Only you know what's best for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers!
I spent three months in Morocco and 80% of the time was spent trying not to cry. You will make it through too but it is very, very tough.
Those people who don't think it's hard have obviously never been in a similar situation so can't possibly know what it's like.
Yes it could be worse but it could also be so, so much better. And remeber, mean people suck!
This is an area where many people are simply ignorant of the biology involved. To suffer when there are other options makes no sense to me.
I support you, Jess, and am sending positive thoughts your way.
Things will deffinately be less overwhelming for you... sometime... probably sooner than later.
Doing what is right for you when you are dealing with so much is the right thing to do. Take it from someone who has taken more of those drugs than I like to think about, they can do a lot to help. Knowing that you are taking a step to gain control of things can be a great thing too.
I am thinking about you!
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