maybe it's the sunshine

After a week of scientific research, I've determined that California makes me happy.

Maybe it's the sunshine. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of ocean and mountains. Maybe it's seeing old friends and realizing that somehow, fences have been mended while I wasn't looking.

Maybe it's staying with two sets of folks who are just the sort of people I want to be when I "grow up"-- warm, sincere, inspiring, faithful folks, filled with purpose, and possessing the spiritual gift of hospitality.

Maybe it's realizing that I really like this part of my job, and that I'm lucky to have a position that affords me the chance to develop relationships with extraordinary volunteers, full of passion and compassion and odd, useful talents.

But I'm pretty sure it's the ocean.

Greek to me

This TV show is unexpectedly good. I wasn't expecting balance and wit, and definitely hadn't anticipated well-drawn characters with believable strengths and weakness and dynamic arcs.

I recommend Greek, y'all. Netflixable and surprisingly mature.

Kinda makes me wish my college had had sororities.

spring forward

Daylight savings time actually knocked me back into a normal rhythm this time around. For some reason I'd been getting up between 5 and 6 am for the past several weeks, and falling asleep as early as 8 pm, which made me feel like an old lady. Now I've reclaimed some of my youth by glaring at the alarm clock that now wakes me up at a respectable 6:42. It's the little things...

Spring is no little thing, though. I'm convinced that a deep breath of 60-degree air is good for the soul. A deep breath of 70-degree air is even better for the soul, and that actually happened for a brief moment yesterday! Warm air is so invigorating. It makes me think about active things-- things like jogging and spring cleaning and doing a little jig. In general, I prefer green to brown, light to dark, warm to cold, outside to inside. Spring is here, and I for one welcome it with open arms!

babysitting

Now, normally I can't stay up past 9. But tonight there's a little life depending on me, and I'm not sleepy at all. I know, that's what baby monitors are for-- but still, not sleepy.

I babysat a lot when I was a kid (and after I was a kid), and I always remember being slightly terrified of the babies. There were so many ways to go wrong with a baby! I always had Mom on retainer when I sat for young kids.

But all the anxiety is gone now. When I'm hanging out with Anna, I just know what to do. Not quite a sixth sense, but I can figure out what she needs. babies are really not rocket science. There's only a few things that they need (milk, new diaper, pacifier, comfort), and you can usually figure out by process of elimination which one is next. And Dr. Whoever's 5 S's work wonders for soothing babies: side or stomach, swinging, sucking, swaddling, shushing. Sometimes you do them all at once. And it works!

Anyway... I'm all over this babysitting thing. She's such a sweetheart.

Holding babies is balm for the soul.

the highest form

I'm convinced you can feel two totally contrasting emotions at once. Maybe more than two.

A lot of my friends have had really significant life events this year. Engagement, marriage, pregnancy, birth, parenthood. All of these amazing experiences that change who they are, enrich their lives beyond imagining, shift the gravity in their souls and make them lean toward a whole new sun.

I'm so happy for them. Legitimately, sincerely, sometimes glowingly happy.

But sometimes I think it's only reflected happiness. Borrowed emotion.

While I watch the shadows of their emotions dancing in the firelight, I'm having my own emotions. Slightly less glowy ones. Thoughts like "When is it my turn?" Life, I've been patient. And I've been incredibly impatient at times, too, but the bottom line is: I've waited. I've had a life, but at the same time I've been waiting for it to start, looking around expectantly for Life to approach and introduce itself. I'm 34 and I'm not convinced I've lived yet.

I truly rejoice in the rejoicing of my friends... but when's it my turn? When do I turn my face toward a new sunlight? When do I defy gravity? When do I unshackle myself from the cave wall and venture out into Life?

geekitude

I've gotten the chance to be an academic the past couple of weeks. The master's thesis I wrote almost nine years ago (the one that refuses to die) is now bearing fruit and, if all goes well, will soon become a book. I just need to revise -- rewrite, actually-- the last chapter and then voila! I'm an author.

I'm immersing myself in discourse analysis, sound mapping and total geekitude lately, and I love it. On the way home from work, I look forward to opening up the textbook and seeing what they did with Philemon. Last weekend, I considered skipping a social engagement to keep reading. And today I went to a lunch meeting to read Matthew in Greek. My inner geek is demanding some attention again. You go, girl.

new

First post of a new decade! Welcome to 2011, a little belatedly. At some point I'll do my best to wrap up 2010 into some delicious bloggy morsels; for now, just a few thoughts.

Part of me wishes that I could know what this year has in store for me. Then the rest of me protests that that's ridiculous-- it would change how I acted every minute, influence every decision, become a self-fulfilling prophecy. (In that case: this year I fall in love, win the lottery and create peace in the Middle East.)

I do know that I'm going into the year with a nice place to live and a nice roommate to live there with, a good job that pays enough to live in the nice place and travel to some other nice places, a handful of good friends and maybe one more on the way... almost as much as anyone could ask. Of course, I still have a 2011 Wish List. :-)

Blessings on the new year!

up up and away

I'm going to Germany. Today. I leave in about half an hour, actually. And I'm all packed and ready to go.

Not too terribly long ago, I was really not ready to head back to the country that left me so broken. But I've put myself back together, and of course it was never the country's fault. :-) And now I am not only ready to go back, but eager. Eager to see friends, and eat doener, and see the sights of the city I used to call home. And eager to fly to Cyprus and have all new adventures, too.

So, yeah. Well-deserved and long-awaited vacation. Maybe I'll blog about it!

In other news, I've been trying to make a decision about a possible opportunity. I think I've decided to let this one pass, tempting as it may have been. The Spirit (or something) was nudging for a while, but the nudging stopped, and reality has its own (loud) opinion. So I think I will recommit to Chicago, try to make my life deeper and more meaningful here, rather than searching for that elsewhere. Yep, grown-up-hood strikes again.

Chicago moon

I got a chance to sit at my favorite place in Chicago yesterday-- The Point in Hyde Park -- and watch the full moon rise. The waves splashed against the shore in tidal rhythm. A determined (and cold?) swimmer "crawled" past, towing his own rescue raft. The racket of cars on Lake Shore Drive was reduced to an almost-natural hum.



And did I mention the moon?

avocado's number

I'm on an avocado kick lately. If there's anything yummier than mashed avocado on toast with lemon juice, salt and pepper, then make some immediately and send it to me!On the other hand, not such a huge fan of tofu lately. Tofu has a lot to recommend it, especially if you're a vegetarian. I'm not. (Though I've flirted with the idea in the past.) In a fit of health, I bought a frozen lunch entree at Dominick's that promised to be "spicy tofu and black bean enchiladas." Disappointingly, it tasted more like "big chunk of unseasoned bean curd wrapped up in corn meal" (which, in all fairness, it was).

Time to cook some serious dinners, so I can bring leftovers for lunch.

Or maybe I'll plant an avocado tree on the roof...

weekend

Like a tall glass of ice water after a day in the hot sun. Like jumping into a swimming pool and feeling the weight of the world slip off your shoulders... letting the water buoy your body and your spirits. Like a good deep breath that cleanses body and soul. Like coming home.

That was my weekend; how was yours?

wisdom from the water

Went to EWALU yesterday. Every time I go to EWALU, I find myself back at the A-frame bridge, watching the water in the creek course over the rocks.

I went there yesterday with a lot of rocks and a lot of troubles, and sought wisdom from the water. It obliged.

I watched the water on the one side of the bridge: smooth, hardly any current even noticeable. And I watched the water hit the rocks under the bridge and tumble, crash and splash. And I watched the water on the other side of the bridge roil and stumble and eventually right itself, making graceful swirling patterns of confusion and then even more graceful patterns of normalcy, resuming its usual course.

Flow, roil, and then flow again. There's some wisdom there.

This is something I wrote in an e-mail to a friend. Pretty much sums it up.

The restructuring, more than anything, has been incredibly sad. Even after just a few months, I know how valuable each of those 65 people was, and watching their gifts walk out the door is so hard. But at the same time, I really do believe the leadership has done the best they could with what they had to work with, and I want to be part of the rebuilding. It's pretty post-apocalyptic around here, in the devastated sense, and also in the hopeful sense-- we're the remnant, and it's up to us to make the new world happen (but without the hubris).

moving forward

Yesterday decimated the staff; today was about moving forward. We're talking about transitions now-- forming new teams, figuring out how to get stuff done with fewer resources. Typical restructuring stuff, I guess.

And now it's time to have some work friends over for dinner.

This post is so boring, it barely deserves to exist. But I believe in grace, so there ya go.

argh.

This was a long, sad day. 65 people got laid off. Structures are in upheaval. My friend James is still missing in the woods, and Search and Rescue has been looking for him for two straight days, to no avail.

I came home early on my supervisor's suggestion. She said I'd been "incredibly anxious" and should rest. I'm not sure there was anyone in the building who wasn't incredibly anxious today, but I'm always wary when I hear someone mention that I am exhibiting behaviors indicative of anxiety.

I came by anxiety honestly-- it runs in my family. It runs in my bloodstream. I actually thought I was handling all this stuff ok, but if someone says something like that to me, I guess I should act on it. I have coping mechanisms, I have medications, I have good friends, but I really don't want my anxiety to boil over into other people's lives. Or into my relationships with other people. Especially my relationships with other people.

So, yeah. Sad day. Anticipated sadness, but sadness nonetheless.

when in doubt

I know why I've been blogging so much this week: I need something to tether me. So many things are up in the air, it seems; so many answers are still forthcoming; so many other shoes have yet to drop. I guess old habits die hard. When in doubt (anxiety, transition, weird life situations), blog. It tethers me to my friends, it forces me to commit to one or two themes, at least for a paragraph or two. It stakes down the swirlies that infest my head.

I think it's working.

I was reflecting today on the power of ritual. Today has been a hard day. My friend James is missing in the woods, two full days late returning from a solo hike. Search and rescue is searching, but has not yet rescued. And D-Day is tomorrow: I find out whether it's the grief of the cut off or the grief of the left behind that I need to start work on. My roommate moves in today (any minute, in fact). And my personal life has some question marks too. So much transition, so much unknown. The good news is, I got to go to church twice today.

And so I am twice blessed by music well executed, sermons well preached, messages well received. Twice inspired, twice fed, twice reassured that God's love is bigger than all of this mess. Which makes it pretty damn big, if you ask me. One of the best things about worship is that you still get to raise your voice, even if you can't think of the right thing to say.

Today, mostly I want to say this: bring James home.

P.S.

I don't want to jinx it, but it looks like I've remembered how much I like blogging. Is there a NaBloPoMo in my near future? We shall see.

o happy day

Manual labor is good for the soul!

My soul really enjoyed a campus ministry trip to the Skokie Forest Preserve today, where we used hand saws and "Cyndi Loppers," as we so wittily christened them, to cut down invasive buckthorn bushes and trees. Lots and LOTS of them.

And then we burned the branches on a campfire.

Boy, do I love campfires. I loved the childhood family campfires at Cleary Lake, where we made "pies" with Wonder Bread and cherry pie filling, boiled eggs in Dixie cups and sang 60's protest songs. I loved the EWALU campfires where we sang songs and played guitar and did skits and generally made a bunch of kids love Jesus. And I loved the "campfires" at Sky Ranch, where we cooked mac and cheese over our Whisperlites and directed our acapella camp songs into the sunset over the mountains.

So, yeah, good day. Very happy day. I needed that.

the more things change...

I'm riding the wave of change: job, house, personal life: all of these things have experienced a bit of upheaval (good, bad, neutral) in the past week or two. Change can be scary, especially the parts that I'm not in control of, but I'm intent on surfing the hell out of this wave.

I just got done generating a bunch of change in my living space-- moving my stuff out of the guest room, clearing some shelves in the bathroom, so my new roomie will have some space to call her own. Transition is a good time for spring cleaning, so I tried to throw in some bits of that, too: weeding through old clothes, finding new and better places to store things, getting rid of old junk.

Upheaval is a chance for a good spring cleaning of the soul, too.

Speaking of cleaning, I'm heading out to Skokie tomorrow (while my roommate moves in!) to clear away a mountain of buckthorn and bonfire the heck out of it. I think it'll be fun! Bonfire apocalypse, here I come. And I'll burn away of the all the old junk in my life too.

See? Change is good.

soup du jour

We interrupt this workday to bring you: brain soup!

My thoughts are all a-swirly today, and I need to siphon them off a bit before I can get back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities.

I think the quote from Aristotle goes: "Fear is the pain that arises at the anticipation of evil." There's a lot of that fear in my workplace right now. We're throwing chocolate at it like champs, but strangely enough, the fear remains.

Monday is D-Day, the day the restructuring and lay-offs are announced. The day that the "anticipation of evil" becomes full-blown grief at what we've collectively lost. And if this week (on my project) is any indication, Monday is the day we start to deal with an external onslaught of Mean from people who disagree with whatever the outcome is.

In the midst of all that, I've gone and gotten myself a new roommate. I think the "I should get a roommate" thoughts were initiated by the fear of losing my livelihood and being stuck with bills I can't pay, but the ongoing consideration of the idea was nurtured by my extroversion. I really like living with people. So I found Anna: originally of California, recently of Honolulu, and potentially a legal secretary.

I think it'll work out. However, this morning as I was frantically looking for my purse before leaving for work, I had a moment of clarity. I just gave out a set of keys to my house to a mostly-stranger! She could have snuck back during the night and stolen all of my earthly belongings! Of course, all of my belongings were still intact, and my purse was stuffed in the closet where I'd left it, and she'll be a great roommate, but I think it's good to have a 'come to Jesus moment' about the seriousness of being a landlord.

But on the plus side, my income just went up $600 a month.

OK. Back to work.