midnight musings

I haven't waxed eloquent about my mental landscape lately, so I guess it's time to bring you up to speed. I haven't been doing all that hot lately, and things were starting to go wrong in my life and in my relationships in a somewhat familiar pattern, so I went back to the doctor and told her that going off of the anti-depressants wasn't really working for me. I'm back on now, and things are starting to change a bit. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours, and in the midst of the wakefulness the following verbiage came to mind.:

Depression is an evil statistician, postulating false claims and then backing them up with spurious but convincing evidence. And this time around it's been more subtle, and perhaps all the more insidious. Instead of the unrelenting chorus of "they don't like you why should they like you they'll never like you" it has opted this time for a more subtle twisting of a motive here, an 'accidental' miscommunication there, the enforced fragmenting of the closest relationships.

Now I have this new medication which I hate to need but which has succeeded in whisking away some of the cloud, leaving me with some shame-filled clarity. Like a Gulf Coast storm, I've left havoc in my wake, detritus of the old twisted thoughts. As they start to untwist now, I have to do some painful damage control and hope for forgiveness.

Again.