Summer

Summer took its sweet time in arriving, but I think it's here for good now. I've found myself saying to people, "You got some sun!" in reference to their rosy cheeks and sun-kissed shoulders.

The switch seems abrupt to me. After all, the load of clothes I washed this weekend was full of turtlenecks and longjohns and wool socks. I sleep under a giant fluffy comforter with my feet wrapped up in layers of socks and blankets and still I wake up chilled. Last night I shivered under my wool hat. And just last Thursday I retired my winter jacket.

Part of this is Survival Mode. I have been functioning in this mode for the better part of a year (at least - I'm scared to follow it back any longer than that), and my body was getting in the act too, pumping less blood to my extremeties, hoarding all the oxygen for my brain and vital organs. In a way it kind of amazes me which things I *have* been able to accomplish despite everything.

Depression makes you selfish. You're constantly on the lookout for what you need, and never quite finding it. It makes you stockpile, partly due to the prolonged condition of living with "not enough", or on bad days Not Nearly Enough... and partly because it's really hard to keep your external areas organized when chaos is reigning in your head.

I'm fighting a losing battle with my desk. I'm the Director, so all of the paperwork ends up here in one way or the other. And it's all important - some items maybe less urgent than others, but you just can't let things fall through the cracks. And so my brain is prioritizing and what I lose instead is my cellphone and my keys and the yogurt I bought at the grocery store earlier today and the electronic equivalent of check stubs. Oh - there's the yogurt, in my backpack. Hmm. Did it get too warm?

I think in a way my whole time here has been a constant challenge to accomplish the same amount of stuff with diminishing resources. Office staff, time, money, social support, sanity - it has all seemed to disappear, slowly or abruptly. How do you make a 100% life with a 25% vocabulary? That was the first challenge. And trying to keep my friends interested when I am so far away. That was another one. Taking over the office with too much work and not enough people to do it. Trying to save up for a car and moving expenses when really I'm a professional volunteer. I realize I have no perspective right now, but it seems a little overwhelming, even objectively.

But at least the sun is shining.