People who need people...

A first posting. Testing the waters of a new-found freedom. Today I'm dipping in my toe; tomorrow, maybe a swan dive into the deep blue waters of Blogging Sea. But for now a first posting, topic: loneliness.
I am living in a new city--a new country, even. I have a gorgeous apartment, big enough that I can turn a cartwheel and store all of my junk with shelves to spare, and small enough to keep clean (an endeavor that is helped in no small way by the twice-monthly cleaning lady included in my modest rent). This place has everything I need, for a price I can afford. And it's nice to look at, to boot. Living environment: fantastic.
I have a job that I really, really like: it keeps me challenged--and, for the moment, also stressed, but I am betting that at least half of the stress is the kind that is inherent to any new job: learning the ropes, figuring out the rules. Job: enjoyable and challenging. My supervisors work hard (too hard, perhaps), are competent and friendly and, I am beginning to suspect, even kindred spirits. But the fact remains, they are my supervisors, not my friends. Although we are not working in the US, we are a US organization, and work by US standards, which include a very conscious acceptance of boundaries and avoidance of dual relationships. Which means supervisors do not equal best friends. It is a really great working environment, one which I should not expect to fulfill my social needs. Co-workers: friendly, competent, unfortunately not in the position to become my best friends.

I have tried to become involved in the community here. I go to church, but despite my best efforts, my ecclesial engagement has been limited to Sunday mornings. I can't figure out how to join in the life of the congregation, but I am not giving up yet. I am passionate about learning, and am taking classes at the local continuing education center, one for my body and one for my mind. My goal: meet new people. I checked with the local library, but they don't need any volunteers. I have too much free time. Community engagement: multi-faceted yet somehow unsatisfying.

The outward conditions are ideal: a great place to live, a great job and great people to work with, a modest amount of things to do after work... how can I be so unhappy? In the midst of ideal surroundings, I am desperately, weepingly lonely. I detest living alone. Who wants an apartment as big as our 6-person college suite, when there is no one to greet me when I come home from work, no one to cook dinner for, no one to giggle or cry with over the anecdotes of the day, no one to play sounding-board for my latest crazy theories, no one to make plans with on the weekends, no one to get annoyed with for leaving dirty dishes lying around? I would trade in my gorgeous, roomy apartment in a second for a cramped, ugly dorm room with great neighbors. I'm a raging extrovert! I need those neighbors or roommates or housemates leaving dirty dishes around.

For me, an unexpressed thought is no thought at all. Sometimes I don't recognize a thought or feeling I'm having until it comes out of my mouth in conversation with others. Unfortunately, that means I really need other people around me. It means I am not independent. Sure, I can feed myself and earn my income and go grocery shopping and find ways to keep myself occupied, but in order to weave all of that into a life, I need my friends. I need to have heart-to-heart conversations with people, I need to help and be helped, to know others, to solve problems collaboratively, to ask for a second opinion when my thoughts are unclear. I need people. And for the most part, I think that is a really great part of my personality. Just makes it tough when there aren't enough people around.