I'm convinced you can feel two totally contrasting emotions at once. Maybe more than two.
A lot of my friends have had really significant life events this year. Engagement, marriage, pregnancy, birth, parenthood. All of these amazing experiences that change who they are, enrich their lives beyond imagining, shift the gravity in their souls and make them lean toward a whole new sun.
I'm so happy for them. Legitimately, sincerely, sometimes glowingly happy.
But sometimes I think it's only reflected happiness. Borrowed emotion.
While I watch the shadows of their emotions dancing in the firelight, I'm having my own emotions. Slightly less glowy ones. Thoughts like "When is it my turn?" Life, I've been patient. And I've been incredibly impatient at times, too, but the bottom line is: I've waited. I've had a life, but at the same time I've been waiting for it to start, looking around expectantly for Life to approach and introduce itself. I'm 34 and I'm not convinced I've lived yet.
I truly rejoice in the rejoicing of my friends... but when's it my turn? When do I turn my face toward a new sunlight? When do I defy gravity? When do I unshackle myself from the cave wall and venture out into Life?
Monday, February 07, 2011
the highest form
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4 comments:
I can't tell you how much I recognize these words and emotions as my own. No matter how much I have been truly happy for others, and shared in their happiness, there has been that *something* - like you describe - that wondering when it's my turn.
Not that I've haven't been happy for others or for myself.
But, important life decisions (condo, job) have been made with the thought that they won't be permanent because I'm waiting for what comes next...
I say this even now when I have a strong suspicion about what comes next, but I don't know the timing.
I wonder - once those events happen - will I (and maybe you) feel like I'm in the midst of that Life - or is it that I'm constantly waiting - anticipating - what comes next, whatever that may be.
Ok - this wasn't intended to become my own blog post. I just really identified. Thank you for sharing, Jess.
Blog posts are most welcome here in the friendly comments section. :-)
It's good to know I'm not alone in these feelings that sometime feel uncharitable (but of course it's way more complicated than that!).
Yes, it's weird making "permanent"-feeling decision that I hope end up NOT being permanent. I totally get that.
Hooray for your strong suspicions! :-)
Hi friend--I've been thinking about how to respond for a while, but wanted to think about it. And now I'm procrastinating sermon writing, so it's the right time!
I don't want to discount your feelings because they are yours and real, but I think sometimes there's a tendency to look around at what we don't have. There are days I wonder when I'll have a life. When my days aren't consumed by diapers and tantrums and bedtimes and work hours. When will I/we be able to do something without having to plan around babies and the fact that I'm busy every weekend and hubby's busy all week. But lots of days it feels like the 'right' life for me.
That said, I hope you find yourself unshackled and venturing into Life.
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